Adoption Disruption: What Happens When Things Don’t Go as Planned

14 November 2025

Adoption is often painted as a beautiful journey — and don't get me wrong, it absolutely can be. The excitement of growing a family, giving a child a forever home, and starting a new chapter is all very real. But what happens when reality doesn’t match the expectations? That’s when we enter the painful and often misunderstood territory of adoption disruption.

Let’s dive into what adoption disruption really means, why it happens, and what to do if you or someone you know is facing it. This isn’t an easy topic, but it’s one that needs honest conversation — no sugarcoating, just real talk.

What Is Adoption Disruption?

Let’s break this down. Adoption disruption occurs when the process of adoption is stopped after a child has been placed with a family but before the adoption is legally finalized.

Think of it this way: You’re almost at the end of a long hike — the final mile — and suddenly, you’re forced to turn back. It's not the way anyone wants the story to go, but sometimes, it's the only option left.

And if the adoption is already finalized and later “reversed,” that’s referred to as an adoption dissolution. Both situations are emotionally gut-wrenching and often carry a stigma that keeps people from talking about them.

How Common Is Adoption Disruption?

It’s not something you hear about often, which makes it feel rare, but adoption disruptions do happen more than most people realize.

Some studies suggest that 10–25% of adoptions involving older children from foster care experience disruption. For private domestic or international adoptions, the numbers are lower but still significant.

What’s important to remember here is that behind every statistic is a child, a family, and a deeply emotional story.

Why Do Adoption Disruptions Happen?

Now, this is the million-dollar question — and spoiler alert — there isn’t one single reason. Disruptions can happen for a whole range of complex, sometimes heartbreaking causes.

1. Unmet Expectations

Sometimes, adoptive parents go into it with their hearts full but their eyes only half open. They might expect a smoother transition. But if a child arrives with deep emotional trauma, behavioral issues, or medical needs that weren’t disclosed or fully understood, it can quickly become overwhelming.

2. Lack of Support

Parenting is hard. Parenting a child who’s experienced trauma, neglect, or abandonment is even harder. When families don’t have access to therapy, community support, or specialized education, their chances of burning out skyrocket.

3. Incompatibility

This one stings, but it’s real. No matter how much love you have to give, not every child fits seamlessly into every home. Sometimes, the personalities just don’t match, or the needs are more than a particular family can handle.

4. Misleading Information

It’s devastating, but occasionally, families enter into adoptions with incomplete or incorrect information. Agencies might not fully share a child’s behavioral history out of fear the adoption will fall through. That dishonesty can lead to trust-breaking consequences.

5. Attachment Issues

Children who’ve endured trauma might struggle to bond. They might push away love in defense or exhibit “attachment disorders” that make parenting feel like an uphill battle with no summit in sight.

What Happens After A Disruption?

Let’s be real: when an adoption disrupts, everyone is affected. It’s not just a legal matter, it’s a deeply emotional one.

For the Child

The child may feel abandoned again. They might start to internalize the message that they are unlovable or unwanted. This can add to their trauma and complicate future placements.

It’s absolutely crucial that disrupted adoptions are handled with care, compassion, and professional mental health support for the child.

For the Adoptive Parents

There's profound grief. There’s guilt, shame, and judgment — from themselves and sometimes even from their communities. Many parents feel like they’ve failed, but the truth is, sometimes stepping back is the most loving decision.

They also may experience depression and even PTSD symptoms. Some come away from the experience completely lost, while others go on to find a better fitting adoption situation down the road.

For the Birth Family or Foster System

When children are returned, it creates more instability in their lives. For birth parents who had expectations of a better life for their child, it's devastating. For the foster system, it adds another layer of complexity and responsibility.

Is It Okay to Talk About Adoption Disruption?

Absolutely. In fact, we have to.

There’s so much silence and shame around this topic that families who go through disruption often suffer in isolation. Talking openly isn’t about assigning blame — it’s about understanding, healing, and hopefully, preventing future disruptions.

Imagine if new adoptive parents could be better prepared because others shared their stories honestly. Imagine if children got the help they really need because no one pretended everything was fine.

Can Disruption Be Prevented?

In some cases, yes. In others, not so much. But there are definitely ways we can reduce the chances:

1. Better Pre-Adoption Training

Adopting a child — especially one who has experienced trauma — isn't just adding a cute face to the family. It’s a lifelong commitment that often requires deep emotional work. More comprehensive training can help parents go into adoption more prepared.

2. Access to Post-Adoption Support

Even the best-prepared families can struggle. Access to counseling, support groups, respite care, and ongoing education can make a huge difference.

3. Honest Communication from Agencies

Transparency is everything. Agencies need to provide the full story — even if it’s tough to hear. It’s far better for a family to walk away from an adoption they’re not equipped for than for a child to go through another heartbreak later.

4. Realistic Expectations

Adoption isn’t a fairy tale — it’s real life. Kids aren’t looking for rescuers; they’re looking for families who’ll stick by them through the messy parts too. The more you can embrace the hard stuff upfront, the better your chances of success.

What If You’re Facing a Potential Disruption?

First off — breathe. You are not alone. And you are not a bad person for feeling overwhelmed.

Here are some steps to consider:

1. Speak to a Therapist or Counselor

Preferably someone with experience in adoption and trauma. They can help you sort through your feelings and options.

2. Talk to Your Agency

Let them know what you’re experiencing. They might offer additional resources, connect you with specialists, or help mediate communication with other parties involved.

3. Explore Temporary Support Solutions

Sometimes, families just need a break. Short-term respite care or intensive in-home services could be the lifeline you need.

4. Be Honest, But Compassionate

If disruption is inevitable, approach it with love and honesty. The goal shouldn’t be about “quitting” — it should be about doing right by the child and your family, even if that means making the hardest decision imaginable.

Moving Forward After Disruption

Healing takes time. Whether you're the adoptive family or the child, the aftermath of disruption can leave emotional scars. Give yourself grace and space. Talk to others who have walked this path. Join support groups. Journal. Cry. Get angry. Just don’t go silent.

Families can still thrive after disruption. Children can and do go on to find the right homes where they’re able to truly heal and grow. And sometimes, disruption becomes less of a dead end and more of a redirection toward what’s truly best for everyone.

Final Thoughts

Adoption disruption isn’t an easy conversation — but it’s a vital one. It’s okay to admit when things aren’t going as planned. It’s okay to step back, reevaluate, and even change direction.

What’s not okay is pretending everything’s fine while families suffer and children carry the weight of unspoken struggles. We owe it to everyone involved to talk about this openly, supportively, and without judgment.

So if you’re in the thick of it, or you’ve walked this road before — know this: you’re not alone, and your story still matters.